She found it. She actually found it.
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Hey guys, just wanted to give you a heads up about everything that went down last week. I feel like we owe you a little explanation and since I haven’t heard from Dee since last week, I guess I need to do it myself.
I just wanna say from the beginning, I didn’t keep any of this from you guys, I just don’t really tell anybody about it. I told Dee a while back, but I figure you need to know to understand what’s going on.
It all started with a bad car accident my family was in when I was a kid. My dad was okay, but my mom and I almost died. I broke two vertebrae, both legs, my left arm, and fractured my skull. I was in the hospital for a long time and unconscious a lot in the beginning when they were trying to get the swelling in my brain down.
That’s when the other memories started happening. Like dreams that started to stick with me when I was awake. I could remember being somewhere else when I was unconscious. I’d seen some other place and the memories were so strong that I could remember sounds and smells and feeling… What it felt like to be there. It’s mostly a haze now but back then it was crystal clear.
After months of physical therapy (what got me into doing what I do) and brain damage was mostly ruled out I ended up having to see a child psychologist for months. They thought that if I was physically okay I must’ve been subconsciously trying to “paint over the accident” and how bad we both got hurt. They assumed I was trying to ignore the trauma with made up stories.
The accident and recovery and all the crap that came after was hard on my parents. But I pretty much blame myself for why my dad finally left. I wasn’t the kid they remembered. In my mind I went to some place where I could be the boy I felt I really was, and no amount of lying or hiding could make that go away. When I fully figured out I was trans my dad was really messed up. He kept saying it was the accident, that something happened to me. He thought I was broken. I kept trying to tell him I’d known since I could remember that I was different, way before the crash. The accident, and the memories, just changed how I felt about it. I remembered someplace where I was happy with who I was and it didn’t matter. It just… was. I always thought, even if it was some kind of hallucination or coping mechanism, those “memories” helped me be braver than I ever thought I could’ve been.
My mom came around eventually, accepted me. But it drove my dad further away. He was okay when I wanted to end my partial visitation with him. The rest is history.
Anyway, so that’s a heck of a lot of backstory to get to what happened last week. I hadn’t heard from Dee since I left Bunratty. And then I found her coming back from Neithernor and she took me with her. But she was… distant. She’s been like that ever since Monica died, which completely makes sense. But she’s been pushing me away. I felt like she took me out of obligation maybe, because I was there? Which I never would’ve wanted. But I went.
And the way she described the air, the smell, the taste…
It was exactly like the place in my dreams after the accident. It totally freaked me out. I didn’t wanna say why, I just wanted to leave and I didn’t want to leave her there alone even though she can, and has, taken care of herself. We ended up arguing and I made her open the door for me.
I just felt this rush of fear. Of this unknown thing coming back. All of those old feelings. I think maybe part of me wanted to believe the memories after the accident weren’t real. Even after the fraylily dream and the one I had with Traveler. I don’t know… maybe I was just in denial of what I was capable of, what I saw, cause for a few months I was just a guy with an amazing girl and we were happy.
I still haven’t heard from her.
I went back to the brownstone yesterday. She wasn’t there.
I think she’s in Neithernor, and even though I was scared and hurt, I wish I hadn’t walked out.
We all make decisions in the moment that we come to regret. I don’t think that Deeds is gone for good, she has too much unfinished business here, and I hope when she returns you two work things out.
I hope you know that we all love and support you, and want to help in any way that we can.
When you went to those places you were touching magic, you opened a door that had been bolted shut for decades! You have a gift Cole, don’t be afraid of that. I’m glad that Neithernor offered you solace, and the courage it took to come out.
I know what its like to be looked at by your dad like something is wrong with you, and I know how heartbreaking it can be. But he is the issue, not you, he sees the world through glasses tinted by past hates and ignorance.
You are a perfect and complete and beautiful being, and you deserve all the love and joy you can get.
When the time comes Neithernor will still be there, and if you choose to go or not is your choice.
I hope Deeds comes to understand that.
This is… a lot to process. If you need anyone to talk to or anything at all let us know.
Thank you for sharing this deeply personal information. It must have been a difficult choice to share it, but I think I can speak for everyone been I say that we appreciate your honesty and are here to support you 100%.
As for DG, it sounds like you really regret how things went down in Neithernor. Maybe keep a close eye on the brownstone for when she comes back, and just tell her how you feel. No healthy relationship doesn’t contain some fights and each of you can build from here
Bah, you are, have been and will always be Cole Sumner. A person I’m happy to call a friend. Some days that may be more complicated than others, but you’re the same brave, intelligent guy who “allegedly” broke into the Morgan Library in order to find a spell to free the person he loved.
If anyone isn’t proud of you, then they haven’t really paid attention to you. I think Deidre will come around. It just seems like it’s complicated being her some days too.
Edit: So, does this mean we now need to figure out how Deidre got into Neithernor so we can send Cole back in after her with a box of candy and flowers or something? Cole, any chance we can see exactly what was on that receipt she was so excited about?
I’ve heard the doors knocking a couple of times before, when she’s told me about the path she went on. I guess it’s a matter of wanting to go, of seeking it out? And then knowing how to open the door? Can’t say I haven’t tried to make them knock the past couple days, but so far, nothing.
I want to give her whatever time she needs. I mean, this is the last connection she has to her dad. But this place has been left for who knows how long. We don’t know what else is there.
You’re the best friends a guy has never met.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this intimate part of yourself. You don’t need to explain why you didn’t tell us you’re trans, or about your accident, that’s something deeply personal and we’re honored you chose to open up to us.
I’ve been trying to figure out the words to say to this…and I can honestly just say, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. I’m sorry your dad didn’t treat you like a good dad should. I was fortunate that the people who mattered the most were there for me when I came out as trans, but I know what it feels like to be treated like you’re broken, like you’re a freak. That’s not something I’d wish on anyone, ever.
Your reaction was perfectly reasonable, and I’m sure that Deeds will understand in the end. She’s a good person, and she clearly loves you. Tapping into those memories must have been really hard on you. But we’re all here to help you find your way back in, if that is what you want to do, or to try and find Deirdre in some other way, if you’d rather not go back to Neithernor. But we’re here for you, full stop.
That means a lot @Revenir, thanks for sharing that with me, and us. I have a great group of friends (here and irl) and Dee’s amazing. I don’t look back much on my childhood. On my dad. I made my peace with it. Sometimes you can’t bring everything with you on your way to becoming who you are. And that’s okay. It makes more room in your life.
Hey guys, I appreciate all your help and support. I tried all night to get the front door to knock since I know for sure that one works. Had the scarf, the pendant… it was so easy for Dee when she came back. She closed her eyes for two seconds and made it happen. She knocked back and it opened but her back was to me. I feel like it had to be the directions. That makes the most sense. Sorry guys. Will follow up when I can.
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